If you see a sign on a door that says 'pull'  

but its backwards.... it means... 'push'...

so you know.

why do i shoot pool?  
Because I feel that I at least look like I know what I'm doing...

Thats why.

see a theme here?  
Did coalition war planners do enough to prepare for Iraqi guerrilla tactics?

Yes

No

OK so how does the american public even know what was done to prepare of Iraqi guerrilla tactics... they don't. So how can they possibly answer this? I mean really. I can't answer it. Yes every dumb fuck who has a web browser is in a position to critique the war strategy when we don't even really have any information at all...

Morons. It amazes me they manage to even stay on the air...

oh this is a good one...  
After a week of combat, is the war in Iraq going as you expected?

Yes

No

OK so what the fuck does that mean? Even if I vote no there isn't enough information. No I think we're getting our tushies whooped. Or is it NO I thought there would be no armour engagement this early simply a barage of sorties delivering smart bombs to key targets around central cities in Iraq.

Yes it's exactly as I had expected... exactly...

fucking morons...

wal mart  
In rain man they say K-Mart sucks. You know what? KMart may have blue lights and suck in and of its own right, but I tell you what Walmart bites.

I went there today. I wasn't alone Tammy went with me. It was just awful. Crowded parking lot. Narrow Isles. Its big. I had to call Tammy and say where are you? She says look for bikes hanging up and I'm near there. There were about 25,000 square feet of store with bikes hanging from the ceiling. I couldn't find her. I had to call her a second time for clarification. I did manage to find her or I'd still be wandering around under all those cheesy bikes...

Check out was a joy. I don't even want to relive it here. Needless to say it was unpleasn't.

no quick vote?  
I guess CNN couldn't come up with anything to ask joe random public idiot about today. No vote... ah well it would have been:

will the US will the war

A. yes
B. yes
C. of course
D. all of the above...

morons...

finger update  
I'm typing better cause i'm down to a single band aid. It's got skin all over it with a little red mark. Its not so bad now. I can hit enter with the proper finger now as well as the famous p key...

upgrade blues  
Before I begin... bloggin is a bitch right now... see the thing is i'm missing part of my pinky...

Anyways... I upgraded windows media player. Seemed pretty smooth... Have you seen my CMF cd listing? Its a playlist in there thats how I burned it. I've spent a lot of time on it.

Don't worry they kept the playlists... they dropped the order!

Can you fucking believe that? the order... they just dropped it... stupid muther fuckers... lots o new features... but the CMF order is shot to hell... crazy.

Maybe they improved shuffle... thats how they improved shuffle maybe... who the fuck knows... who made that mistake??

If I find out who it is, I might ask them to have thanksgiving dinner with me at tavern on the green in New York's central park so I can call them a Dumb-Ass. It means so much more in that context, doesn't it?

Reasons to yak....  
So I went to pro lab yesterday and picked up 2 copies of 'alibi' 16x20. I took then to the frame central place where you can save money on museum quality framing. Its the same company, but you do the labor and its 1/2 the price.

So the prints look great. One is for the house and one was for Jennifer who told me where to point the camera. (She put it in her office, but I'm way ahead of the story). So I chose a black fabric mat with a white core. I was very happy with the image. The image shown here is fairly dark...



So there is a nice white line around it with rich black cloth to the edge of the frame. I used a standard size frame (this is important) which was way cheaper than a custom frame. I paid and went to pudge brother's pizza while my backing got prepped and the photo was mounted. Red haired pudge bro gave me 2 slices of pep and a Dr. pepper. Great deal in fact. Day is going fantastic... so far... except the cookies... but hey...

I get back and she gets me started prepping my frames while she uses this super cool CNC mat cutter. It's great... I pull out all the points holding in the lame card board back. I tell her I'm done and she shows me the first mounted matted print. Its great. I love it. So she says she'll get me started with my glass.

"clean one side of each piece of glass. Paper towels are here and glass cleaner is here"

OK?

not OK

Right then Tim comes into work. Its noon. I start and clean my first piece of glass. I get it good and clean. I lament how it smells like scrubbing bubbles than my mom made me clean the bathtub with when I was little.. "yes yes my feet they are like wings"

2nd piece of glass. As I scrub I catch my fifth finger of my right hand on the lower edge of the glass and lose a little piece of the end of finger. I catch it really quick just like I did with the gerber tool and the safety instructions (for those of you who don't know me ask me when you see me its a story and a half in and of itself). no blood. I tell the workers, Tim and the lady I don't know her name, that I've cut myself. They start talking band aid and washing and I shake my head no. Tim takes me to the bathroom where I rinse it out and it is a bleeder... let me tell you... its a bleeder...

I go back to the glass and there it is a lil piece o me there.... fuck... fuck fuck fuck. Poor lady was getting a little green around the gills so Tim had to look. He cleaned off the glass (including the lil piece o me).

After much discussion It was decided to take me to the Roosevelt clinic from UW. So Tim drove me. He got my inhaler in case I had a problem breathing. And he finally got his car started and off we went. Now through no fault of their's the Roosevelt clinic was not the place to take me. A nurse looked at it and said she couldn't touch it. She gave me a 4x4 piece of gauze to replace my paper towel. Still bleeding.

So it was decided to put me on a bus. She tucked a shuttle schedule in my pocket. I had no hope of retrieving it. Be aware if I let my pinky go it bled. Still bleeding. So my hands were linked at the finger tips. A nurse in the elevator noticed I was bleeding and stopped me and I told her I had to get on a bus. She asked me if I knew where it was. I said rather plainly "no" she then took me to the stop and asked me if I was OK a few times then left to get a latte I believe. I waited there in the rain at the bus stop trying to call people I know to come get me. Tammy was subbing and I couldn't reach her easily or expect her to be able to leave. I left some messages.

I got on the bus and asked the guy to take me to the ER. He didn't speak much english or at all for that matter, but he got the job done and got me to the ER. Still bleeding. Now I wait for the triage nurse. She comes and takes my vitals and changes my gauze. When the gauze get's changed it a. hurts like a muther fucker and b. bleeds. Still bleeding. Now I wait. I sign some papers and I am told that my cell phone has to be off. Tammy has been notified and is looking for someone to help me. So I wait. Still bleeding

I go back into my little room and now I have no cell phone. I'm a bit despondent. I was pretty down on the bus, because I was riding a fucking bus to the ER. still bleeding. Now I feel cut off from the world and I have no plan on how to get out of this place.

Just a side note there was blood on the wall. Not mine... icky I know... but the care at UW ER was great.

Nurse came in. Changes the gauze and yes it hurt and still bleeding. She says the Dr.'s are busy and I should keep pressure on it cause its still bleeding. Really?

a long wait happens. Tammy thinks that Jennifer can come get me, but she's busy right now and can't be reached. To Jennifer's credit she called the ER and told them to tell me she had it covered but they were busy I guess cause I still haven't gotten that message.

I wait.

Still bleeding.

I wait more.

Jennifer arrives. She would have been better off not coming so quickly. Still bleeding and we waited more. A resident and a med student came into the room (I realize that sounds like the start of a joke) and changed the gauze and looked at it. The resident thought maybe I'd get away without a stitch. He was wrong. The med student managed to get her gloves on right before the resident took his off because he was done hurting me. He was very apologetic about hurting me, and yes it was still fucking bleeding. I've had 2 hours of direct pressure at this point and the god damn finger is still bleeding.

we wait. still bleeding....

The attending comes in. He looks at it and goes... well silver nitrate is just gonna get laughed at hurt so we're gonna do digit block and then stitch you up to stop the bleeding. At one point during my exam he lifts up my hand and squeezes it... My wound just bleeds and I thought Jennifer was gonna pass out. I told her she didn't have to be in there, but she stayed. He leaves. He needs some shit. Still bleeding.

we wait... still bleeding...

He comes back and very carefully gives me 4 shots in my finger. Jennifer didn't watch. I didn't watch. He described how each shot would feel in great detail and he was right on each and every call. He numbed it up and off he went to wait for it to 'kick in'. Still bleeding.

I can't feel it. It's still bleeding. I have to pick it up cause it made a big spot on the sheet and put my direct pressure back in place. Still bleeding.

The med student comes in to see if I'm numb. I'm not. It hurts and its still bleeding.

2 more shots to the finger... joy.. couldn't feel them though that was good. but... still bleeding...

I honestly wish I would have had my fucking digital camera so I could relate how much blood we're talking about...

He flips my hand over. He drapes me. Its not my finger anymore. Its still bleeding, but its not my finger. He's doing stuff to it. Its not mine. He runs thread through it with a curved needle and a tweezer. Not my finger. Still bleeding.

He pulls the string...not my finger anymore. My brain lost track of it. I have no feeling and no connection with that finger It stops bleeding. Finally. yay! I have to be bandaged. I was hoping the med student would get to put the stitch in. The Doc did that too, but he let the resident tape me up. The resident thanked the doc for letting him tape me up. I could have done it. I still have one good hand.

After the discharge paperwork Jennifer drove me back to my car. Tim and the lady had finished the framing for free. I told them where to take the next cut victim. They said I was their first "war" story. That's me. You need a good story? have me around... They even saved my Dr. Pepper... what service.

Tim loaded the finished pieces into the car. I drove home. Jennifer hung up her copy in her office this morning. She said she's getting a lot of good feed back. Maybe it will be included in the Microsoft Art Collection? Perhaps not.

I managed to rip the dressing off in the middle of the night. Tammy fixed it up with some Band-Aid, but I had to go for a tetanus shot anyway so it was redressed there. I had to tape it myself though... no med students...

At least I'm not bleeding...

Tossin the cookies....  
No I didn't yack. I mean I could have at many points yesterday, but I didn't. More on that later.

yes folks we join our hero behind his shopping cart. Checking his list making sure he knows exactly what he needs so he can avoid his evil nemesis the go back...

He rounds one corner moving parallel to the deli. No turkey on the list no need to stop... ah gogurt... ya just one box. Round the corner onto the dairy isle moving between the cheeseball display and a rather high stack of shamrock shaped cookies... I just barley hit it. It was just a tap. If I had hit you with my cart that hard there wouldn't have been a bruise even. But the cookies are a bit more fragile. So the first box goes spinning out like a playing card tossed by none other than Ricky Jay trying to stick it into a watermelon. It hits the floor. Now if you haven't been in a situation like this, everything has slowed way the fuck down. I mean way down.

Now I know my Newtonian physics. (see the inventory of my bedstand if you doubt.) The first box could not have made it all the way to floor before what I remember next happening happened, but my brain must have lined up the events so I could savor the embarrassment of the destruction of shamrocks.

The boxes fell like a cascading waterfall of green. Each one striking its corning, causing it to open releasing its sugary goodness on to the tile floor... For those of you who have not ever dropped a sugar cookie from 5 feet I can assure you that, unlike a cat, the god damn thing will break. And those cheesy plastic boxes they were in make NOISE.... as they break open...

They all opened. I don't know how many, but I estimate there were 36 sq feet of cookie when the green sprinkles settled. I helped the guy clean it up and no I didn't have to pay for them. I would have.... but no...

CNN strikes... again  
I don't even need to comment on this one:

Will Osama bin Laden be captured?
• Yes
• No

WTF? Here is a more appropriate and answerable question:

Does CNN Ask Stupid Fucking Moronic Questions?
• Yes
• No

so there.

I just crack myself up.  
I mean i crack myself up some times and sometimes it's bad. I had a dream last night. Well it was really this morning. You know those last minute post alarm dreams that are just so vivid...

Someone said something to me in the dream and I said something back. I remember what it was, but i'll spare you because all you need to know is that it was definately not funny. I mean so not funny. Thinking about it now, it could not have been less funny. way not funny. So i must have thought it was during my dream though. Because a god damn laugh track kicked in. It was like the whole world was laughing at my not-at-all funny joke. It was just like watching all in the family and hearing the 'live' studio audience kick in and laugh.

Well I guess its better than those being naked in public dreams i... uh.. well.. never have... ever... not me... no way... no nekkid in public dreams for me... nope... no how... uh... what the hell are you looking at?

seen on the onion.  
God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity
HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said. "The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until His formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."

See it here on the onion...